“How was Thursday’s presidential debate on CNN,” you ask? I would compare it unfavorably with childbirth. Childbirth was unpleasant, but at least at the end of it I got a child. By contrast, here is how the debate went.
Jake Tapper: Hello. We have a system in place for turning off your microphones, but we won’t use it. We do not have a system in place for fact-checking your claims in real time because the Trump campaign said that trying to tether his remarks to a shared reality would put him at an unfair disadvantage. So, you know, just try to keep it as accurate as you can? That’s just a suggestion, though! Most important thing: Have fun out there!
Donald Trump: Great! So I can just talk? I can just say whatever I want?
Dana Bash: Correct! You can just say whatever!
Trump: And no one will stop me? Even if I say something really vile and dehumanizing about how because of immigrants we are living in a “rats’ nest” or say several times that Democrats want abortion to happen after birth?
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Tapper: We do have a guy who will fact-check you in real time, if he remembers. That man’s name is President Joe Biden. But he has his own stuff going on tonight, so maybe he won’t.
President Biden: I will be doing the kind of debate performance that causes sources close to me to announce, midway through the debate, that I have a cold. But don’t worry! I am sure that Americans will be able to see beyond the appearances to what I am trying to say. Famously, that is what happens at debates, people looking beyond appearances. I’m told people don’t even watch them, they just read the transcript afterward, and when they come across questions of fact, they go through and slowly Google the correct answers. Why, most households don’t even have TV sets. A lot of people just listen to debates on the wireless.
Tapper: Talk about abortion, please.
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Trump: Personally, I think there should be exceptions for rape, incest and the life of the mother, but there are some who don’t! Follow your heart, I say! Just do what you feel, unless you happen to live in a state governed by the some who don’t, and then, I guess, tough.
Biden: “I support Roe v. Wade, which had three trimesters. First time is between a woman and a doctor. Second time is between the doctor and an extreme situation. A third time is between the doctor — I mean, between the women and the state.” (A verbatim quote!) The good news is that I hear nobody watches cable any longer!
Tapper: Mr. Trump, we hear you have plans to conduct an unprecedented mass deportation. How? And would you even deport people with families who have been living here for decades?
Trump: I will not answer the question, but I am happy to say some awful things about immigrants!
Biden: At least you don’t have a split screen of me at all times while Donald Trump is talking, so I don’t have to think about my facial expressions and can focus on coming up with more statistics to add to my answers in a confusing manner.
Bash: We absolutely do have that.
Biden: If you switch to Peaco*ck right now, you can watch the Team USA Olympic trials!
Tapper: How about foreign policy?
Trump: We can all agree that nothing bad that is happening now in foreign policy would be happening if I were president, and, indeed, nothing bad happened when I was in office. Everything bad has happened since Joe Biden has been in office. All the bad things that have happened in American history were under Joe Biden. Charlottesville happened under me, but I did not think that was bad. And Gettysburg happened under Lincoln, I guess, but in a way that was bittersweet rather than bad.
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Biden: I am giving Israel all the ammunition it requests except for certain really big bombs because those would kill civilians, and that would be wrong. The only kind of weaponry I am willing to supply is the kind that kills civilians by accident.
Tapper: Please talk about child care.
Trump: I won’t. Joe Biden is the worst president in history.
Biden: I disagree. Historians got together and agreed Donald Trump was the worst president.
Andrew Johnson and James Buchanan: Hooray!
Biden: Trump is a convicted felon, which I guess it is up to me to bring up.
Trump: I am under attack by the corrupt machinery of the “American justice system” on the grounds that I “broke laws,” which is “illegal.” Joe Biden has orchestrated all of it, and nobody brings a case without his say-so, which is why his next move was to ensure that his son was arrested for firearm possession.
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Tapper: Are you two too old to be president?
Biden: In the past, people complained that I was too young. I am sure this is a good answer. Please do not tell me how time works.
Trump: I took two cognitive tests and am good at golf.
Biden: During the Obama administration, I got my handicap down to a very low number.
Trump: That is a big lie. This man lies all the time. Which one am I? I’m sorry. I think I might have Freaky Fridayed.
Biden: My handicap was good.
Trump: I will golf with you right now.
Biden: My handicap was either six or eight. I will golf with you right now if you will carry your own clubs.
Trump: Hey, let’s not act like children.
Bash: Do you feel the cold hand of terror grip your heart, America, as these two men over 75 argue about their golf handicaps? Do you feel a sensation like something dying, and you are terrified to see what that thing was that died, because you fear it might be hope? Are you waking up in a cold sweat and wondering: How did we get here? How did we decide that live television performance was the best way to determine who should run the country? And how was this that performance?
Biden: Did you hear that? My opponent just called me young.
